Friday, July 23, 2010

Lingering Thoughts

Dunno when I first started having these thoughts, but I suppose they developed over time after reading many articles...anyway, here goes:

If I ever THINK that I "deserve" to get pregnant and have children of my own more than some other people, this kind of thought only creates a vicious cycle 'coz then someone else can also ask me a similar question, "What makes me think I deserve to have such and such (house/opportunities/job/whatever) more than them?"

Thus, if I want to ask that question (why I haven't been pregnant and given the opportunity to bear my own child), it's only fair for me to ask God why I get all the blessings He's poured down upon me although I don't deserve all those things more than others who haven't been given all those things I've enjoyed...

In the end I can only shut up 'coz I sure don't know why I've been given all the blessings He's given me. All I know now is that He has the authority over our lives and that He doesn't owe me anything and after counting all the blessings instead of focusing over the problems, my heart is filled with gratitude. I still believe that He has the best plans for me, even though it may not seem that way, even when I don't understand, even when it seems like He has a deaf ear.

And right now in my IF journey, I can write down with more certainty than ever that God's grace is really sufficient and His peace is beyond understanding. I would NEVER have been able to experience this kind of peace if it hadn't been for Him. I'm not saying that my wounds are completely healed. I still feel some degree of sadness every once in a while, but at least the pain is not as overwhelming as before and I'm getting more and more used to the idea of living together with hubby as a COMPLETE FAMILY for the rest of our lives. That idea becomes more and more beautiful as time goes by...:-D